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It's the way it should begin.... [
06/26/10 - 11:30am]

My name is Jake.

Jake Berenson.

You don’t know what a relief it is to be able to tell you that.

Such a simple thing. To tell you my last name. To not have to hide where I go to school, or where I live. To tell you that my best friends name is Marco. And the girl I love’s name is Cassie.

To be able to say this and not have to worry that we would be found. And killed.

But it was over.

It all began one night two years ago when my best friend and that girl I love, along with my cousin Rachel, and a boy, Tobias, who once none of us knew too well; walked through a construction site of half-constructed buildings one night on the way home from an ordinary day at the mall. It was the last ordinary day we would have for the next two years.

It was that night we discovered that there was life on others planets. It was that night we came face to face with it. And the invasion of our planet. An alien by the name of Elfangor crashed on earth that night, and told us all this; through his words, and his very presence. It was that night he gave us more than this revelation though - he gave us the ability to fight back. The ability to morph into any animal we touched and to stop the invasion of the Yeerks. Yeerks; a deadly parasite. Deadly by the fact that they crawled into people’s brains and took them over, making them into slaves. Or controllers - that is what we called someone who had been enslaved. It didn’t start with us - there were other races that had fallen under the Yeerk enslavement, such as the Hork Bajiir - but it would end with us. Since that night, we spent two long years fighting and risking our lives in battle after battle to ensure it.

And last night, it did.

Everything was different now. To everyone else, everything looked the same, but to us - the Animorphs, everything was different. The war was over. But would we ever be who we were? After everything that had happened, after everything we’d been through; could we ever go back? Could we go forward?



Every part of my body was tired as I walked down the hall of my high school. It was a week before graduation; the hall was filled with decorations, and there was a buzz coming from the other sophomores. I was too tired to notice, too tired and too awe-struck. I didn’t get home until a couple of hours before I had to leave for school, and had gotten even less sleep, but the day was finally over, and as I lifted my eyes as I walked toward my locker, there she was, walking toward me. Cassie. My mind flashed to the night before, the battle.

For the last time, we had squared off in a battle against Visser Three. Rachel, Marco, Ax, Tobias, Cassie and I. Broken, and bleeding, much like almost every battle before, we fought, unsure if we were going to make it out of another battle alive.

I turned my tiger head to face the wolf that stood, bleeding and panting next to me.

“Cassie…I love you.”

The wolf’s panting froze as it turned to face me.

“I love you, Jake.”

“Jake”, her voice broke through my reverie.

Cassie stood in front of me, her lips pulled slightly up to one side; a tentative, almost questioning expression on her face. Maybe she thought I only told her I loved her because I thought we were going to die last night.

I looked into her eyes for a moment. There was no more hesitation. I lifted my hands to Cassie’s face, and there, in the middle of the hall, in the middle of everyone, I kissed her. I didn’t care that everyone was watching.

It was over.

And I loved Cassie.



My jaw literally dropped. Literally. My boy Jake was standing there in the middle of the hall kissing Cassie. Very un-Jake like.

But I guess he was feeling the way we must all have been feeling right about now.

Relief. Joy. Freedom.

What was the point anyways? After everything we had been through. Kissing the girl he had obviously loved for the past, what, 5 years or so in front of practically the whole school? That was nothing compared to what we had been through the past couple of years. Nothing.

My agape expression turned into a smile.

“‘Bout time”, Rachel said, walking up next to me, smiling.

That tired, fierce expression that had been in her eyes for so long was gone, replaced by a lightness. A lightness we all felt. Like a million pound weight had been lifted off of our shoulders. Or the world. Yeah, I swear I had felt like Atlas for the past two years. Yes, I know who Atlas is - I actually passed that class with a b -, which is good considering my day job was saving the world. Not anymore.

“So, Xena,” I smiled turning to her, “what are you going to do now that the world doesn’t need saving?”

“With you around, it will always need saving Marco”.

We both laughed.

The bell rang, signalling the end of the day.

Jake and Cassie walked over, holding hands.

“Hey guys”, Jake said.

“Hey! We still going to meet at the usual spot after school?” I asked, as we walked together toward the doors that led out of this God-forsaken place called school.

“You know, we can call it Cassie’s barn now”, Rachel said with a wink.

“Nah, I was thinking more like going to the beach,” Jake said.

Suddenly, the silhouette of a bird flew overhead. We looked up and saw a tinge of red in the feathers.

“That’s my cue.” Rachel. “See you guys at the beach!” She said, giving us a wave and walking off toward the forest that faced the school.

“Say hi to your boyfriend!” I called after her.

“I will meet you guys at the beach too”, I said, turning back to Jake and Cassie. “I want to go home first”.

“See you there”, Cassie said, smilingly that warm, knowing smile of hers.

And I walked off toward my house, as Jake and Cassie walked off, holding hands and nuzzling like two wolves in love. Err, people.



I walked through the long grass of the meadow that separated the school and the forest, leaving my friends behind. The silhouette of the bird flew ahead of me and disappeared. As I got closer to the forest, a boy with dirty blond hair and brown eyes emerged from the shadows of the forest, waiting for me. He smiled as I walked up to him.

“Hi”, he said, smiling, something I hadn’t seen in a long time.

“Hi”, I said, smiling back, and walking right up to him, I lifted one hand to his face, and pulled his lips into mine.

He grabbed my free hand and laced his fingers with mine, pulling me closer to him.

“Ready?” I said, pulling away and smiling.


We turned and walked into the forest.

“I can’t believe it’s really over,” he said.

“I know.”

After we had defeated Visser Three, the yeerk invasion was finally ended.

“Are you going to miss it?” He asked.

I knew exactly what he meant. Would I miss the fight?

“Are you going to miss it?”

Tobias was quiet for a minute. He had decided to give up being a hawk. Give up his ability to morph. It would be easier for us to be together that way. To have a life together.

Suddenly, he stopped and turned to me, but kept his head down, looking at the ground.

“Rachel…being a hawk was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Thinking about giving it up…it scares me.”

He looked up at me with that same hawk ferocity that we had all grown to know, that had become a part of him due to his life as a red-tailed hawk.

“But losing you, not being with you, that scares me more. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can live without being a hawk, but I can’t imagine living without you.”

Now, I’m not one for feeling a bunch of heartfelt emotions, but when it came to Tobias, I couldn’t help it.

“I love you, Tobias.”

“I have always loved you, Rachel. And I always will.”



Jake sat on top of a hale bale as I tried to work a large pill down the throat of a fox that had come into the clinic a couple of days ago after being caught in a hunters trap. It’s front paw had been badly lacerated and it needed heavy painkillers; unfortunately, fox are pretty smart, so I couldn’t mix the meds in, (medication), with it’s food because it ate around it. Some animals do that. Like horses. I also had to change the bandage on it’s foot, but it was much easier to do when he had had his painkillers. You know when you take morphine and you don’t care what else is going on? Kind of like that.

So anyways, that’s what I was doing.

“You know, Cassie, we could do this.”

“Do what, Jake?” I asked distractedly.

“You know, this.” He jumped down off the hay bale and made an arc with his arms, motioning to everything around him.

“I think you’re going to have to give me a hint, Jake,” I said, not paying much attention as I closed the fox’s mouth with my hand, and elevated his head to make sure he swallowed the pill.

Jake came up behind me and wove his hands around my waist.

“I mean,” he said, whispering into my ear, “you run the clinic and I teach.”

I let go of the fox and smiled, closing and locking the cage, and then turning around in his arms to face him.

“You want to teach?” I asked.

“Yeah. I think I do.”

He smiled and pressed his lips softly to mine, sending a warm, tingling sensation up my body, and then pulled away.

“You know what else I want to do?”

“What?” I asked, smiling, still in his arms.

“Marry you.”

Suddenly my heart stopped.


He bent down on one knee in front of me. My heart responded by pounding wildly against my chest.

“Cassie, will you marry me?”


But the answer was so clear. A huge grin spread across my face.

“Yes. Yes! Yes, I’ll marry you Jake!”

He grinned and jumped up, wrapping me in his arms and kissing me so passionately I forgot where I was. I forgot everything, but the feel of his lips against mine, and that it would be that way forever.



“Mom, I’m home!”

Man, it felt so good to say that. You have no idea. For years, I thought my mom had died, drowned in a storm. And then, I found out she had in fact not died, but had become a slave to the yeerks. A very important slave. Leader of the yeerk invasion, in fact. Visser One.

But that was over now.

She was free. And alive.

“Hi, honey,” she said, a huge smile lighting up her beautiful eyes as she walked into the room. It felt so good to look into those eyes and not think about a yeerk sitting behind them. See that smile and not think about a yeerk forcing her face muscles to move into that specific expression. Hear her say those words and know that it wasn’t a yeerk saying it.

I dropped my backpack on the ground, walked up to her, and hugged her, breathing in the scent of her hair, relishing in the feel of her embrace, knowing it was her hugging me.

She pulled back and we looked at each other.

It was over, finally. She was free, and home. And it was over.

“Hey, Marco”, my dad said, walking into the room from behind her.

My dad had suffered just as much as I had over the apparent loss of my mother. When she had “died” he had lost himself, gone into a deep depression and I lost him too. But everything was different now. We were back together. Back to normal. As normal as could be, anyway.

“I made dinner; hamburgers, your favourite,” my mom said.

“Great, I’m starving!”

“I bet,” my Dad said, smiling. He knew everything now. Everything.

I sat at the table with my mom and dad as we ate hamburgers. I watched them laugh, and smile, and hold hands.

I had my mother back. I had my family back.



I looked around at my scoop. My home for the past two years, and three days. It was approximately three and a half human hours in what they call the afternoon, which meant it was close to the time I was to meet my friends. I had been away from my home planet for so long; it was odd to think that I would be returning their shortly. Odd to think that the humans who had become the only friends, only family I now knew; who I had fought beside, and risked my life with each day, who had risked their lives for me, would now be left behind as I returned there. It created a strange feeling inside me; one I had once only felt when thinking of my family back on my own planet. I did not enjoy it.

I heard the flutter of Tobias’s wings as he flew to a branch a few feet above my scoop and sunk his talons into the soft wood of the branch. I would miss him, Tobias, the most.

Rachel was not far behind him, walking through the forest towards us. I had heard her for several minutes before she arrived. Humans are not very quite creatures. Not that any animal could evade the hearing of an andalite.

“Hey Ax-Man, ready to go?”

“Hi, Ax,” Rachel said, as she walked up to us.

“Hello, Rachel.”

“Yes, Tobias,” I said, a hint of nostalgia in my voice as I glanced one more time at my scoop.

“We may leave now.”

It was odd; as I walked away, I felt both as though I was returning home and leaving home.



The sun was high in the sky as Ax, Tobias and I walked across the sand toward the others already waiting.

It was a perfect day; warm, but not too warm, sunny, with not a lot of clouds, and it wasn’t too windy, which tends to happen when you are at the beach.

Ax and Tobias had of course morphed into their human counterparts so that we could all meet together on the beach. It was much better than meeting in our usual place - Cassie’s barn. That was where we usually met to talk about upcoming missions. But we didn’t have any of those anymore.

“These feet do not work well on this surface,” Ax complained.

“I will be glad when I no longer have to use them,” he said, but there was a sad drawl at the end. I think Ax was partly sad about leaving, even if he didn’t admit it to the rest of us. Although, maybe he did to Tobias - he had always been closer to Tobias than the rest of us, especially since they had found out that Elfangor was Tobias’s real father, making Ax his uncle.

Tobias grabbed my hand and held it in his as we walked towards the others.

“Hey guys”, I waved with my free hand.

“Hey Rachel!” Cassie said, sitting on the beach next to Jake. Marco sat angled toward them.

The three of us came and sat down next to them in the warm sand.

“What’s up?”

“Well, apparently Jake and Cassie have something they can only tell us when we are all together,” Marco said.

“Oh no, please don’t tell me there has been another yeerk invasion,” Tobias said.

“Don’t do it, Rachel!” Marco said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Say let’s do it!”

“There is no mission!” Jake laughed.

“Phew! Thought I was going to have to take my superman costume back out of retirement!”

For once, we all laughed at Marco’s joke.

“So what’s the big news, guys?” Tobias asked.

“We’re getting married!” Cassie beamed.

Four jaws dropped.

“Mare-eed? What is mare-eed? Eed?”

“It means, Ax-man, that I am going to have to buy a tux!”

My eyes lit up.

“Shopping! This is going to be so much fun!"

“Oh no,” Cassie groaned, laughing.

Could we ever go back? No. But that afternoon, on the beach, we all knew this was just the beginning.

(C) Heather Laillah 2010
Read (2) Comment

06/25/10 - 5:14am]
There is a a tv show that I just happened upon which centres around the lives of classmates when they grow up. At the end of the episode, one of the character's poses existential questions in regards to where they were, compared to where they are now. And it made me think.

About who I was and who I am.
Where I thought I was going and where I've been.

What have I accomplished since that time?
Have I changed?
Am I happy?
Am I where I thought I'd be?
Am I who I thought I'd be?

The answer?

I am almost an entirely different person now.
My musical tastes have changed, my tastes in clothes have changed, my dream career has changed, the direction of my life has changed, my perspective of life has changed.
I have climbed mountains, and fallen down in the dirt more times than I can count. I have lived in darkness and bathed in light.
I have made and lost friends, lovers, family, my self.
Once I strived for the acceptance of others; now I only live to meet the standards of my soul.
I longed for love, and now I have it and long to share it.
As for accomplishments; I have done many things in my life that others would qualify as accomplishments, and things that others would qualify as failures.  
But, I am blessed in God and the soulmates He has blessed me with, that have not only been there when the storm was over, but stood by me when it raged, in whose love I am both liberated, and have seen all the beauty the world has to and could ever offer.
But I have always followed my heart and soul, I love and am loved, and to me, these are the greatest accomplishments of (my) life. To me, this makes up a life fulfilled.

05/27/10 - 10:26am]
In 6 years...
friendships have come and gone,
relationships have come and gone,
loves have been found and lost,
I have moved,
I have travelled,
I have changed into an entirely different person,
but Lost has remained constant.

It may be just a tv show, but I feel like I am losing a friend, or should I say, friends.

Lost has been there for me through good times, and hard times when no one else (except for my family, and God of course) was. It has helped me through two bad break-ups, and taught me many valuable lessons which I will take with me into my life.

Lost taught me the kind of person I am, and to stay true to that.
How to love and how to be loved.
It has taught me what kind of life I want to lead.
And who I want to be a part of that.

It has changed me. and for that, I am grateful.

05/21/10 - 8:10am]
I know God love's me, despite my mistakes. How blessed am I? How blessed to have that kind of love. It is like the sun; embraces you in it's warmth, reveals things you could not see before or saw totally falsely, without it, and makes you forget it was ever dark. Just a few things God does.  He never leaves me.  Even when I don't deserve it. And really, do I ever? :)

I was sitting out underneath the shade of a tree with my dogs, watching the world around me, and I felt it and knew it - that God loves me, but also, and like I hadn't since last summer - we are all one, under God, connected by God. That everything is God. Matter doesn't exist (a concept that confused me until now), because we are all so interconnected we are like one living organism; there is no differentiating. God is every particle. Everywhere I look I see God; every time I breathe, I breathe in God; every time I breathe out, I breathe out God. All I'm doing is breathing God, living in God, like a fish living in water.

Anyways, I am sitting up on the second floor of my cats house, and the view is beautiful.

05/21/10 - 1:19am]
The only life or future that I care about is You. Extends to You, in every moment.

05/14/10 - 2:50am]
I know that 50% of the time, I can be a jerk, and it's not that I am letting myself off the hook - I hate that about myself, but I know it's not who I am, and all I can do is treat myself with love and understanding and/to move forward; away from it and to You, and who I am. Please bare with me <3 Love you.

05/13/10 - 8:55am]
I really just feel like taking every day as it comes, being who I am, with God, with my family, . Each breath at a time. And not thinking about tomorrow, because it doesn't exist. This is real. This is life. Now. And there is no where else I'd rather be.

Something I want to remember:
Standing at the gate in the horse pasture, sun lighting up the day, family surrounding me, and just simply appreciating being alive, and being surrounded by family, by friends.<3

Look around you, at the face that you see, are you sure this is where you want to be?
Carrie Bradshaw said "It is hard to find someone who will love you no matter what." I am surrounded by it.

05/09/10 - 3:07am]
I have a very different concept of family; based on truth. My animals; they are my best friends and my family. They are everything a family should be, could be, everything I could ever hope for or imagine. The people society would designate my family; are people I have recieved abuse and violence from my entire life. I have struggled to be a good person, to ednure. I know that the true family I have, God provided me with, blessed me with, and I am so grateful. I just wish I could be better for God, but I know that that "family" has affected me in averse ways, and still living with them...it's not good for me. It makes it hard, that's all. I really just want to serve God. I will never give up. I promise.

05/05/10 - 11:19am]

There is no need to strive to be perfect; I am perfect just the way that I am, as who I am.
Loving, wild, messy, stubborn, untameable, passionate me.
Oh, and I love my body just the way it is too. I may not be socially perfect; a few extra pounds, never shave çause I don't believe in it, but I take care of my body; it is my temple, the vessel for my soul, and with it I go on lots of adventures and give lots of affection. That's what matters.
Everyone makes mistakes - sometimes we're short, sometimes impatient, unloving in speech, etc., but it happens, and these occurences don't define us. I define who I am.


04/23/10 - 10:54pm]
I don't really feel like myself lately. I'm not really sure why. It's unnerving.. :S

04/23/10 - 11:18am]
Deepak Chopra says bad things don’t happen to us; we bring them to us so we can learn a lesson; it is the way we percieve them that makes them bad. 
Well, yesterday I was sitting on the side porch reading my book by Thich Nhat Hanh, and I was thinking about the same thing that I wrote the other day - I've done what I can to help enlighten my family and free them from the suffering they cause and within them, but to no avail. Thus, it is not possible for me to do so; there is nothing more i can do (to help). But, last night, after talking on the phone to my best friend, my step-father inquired about it, and I was simply tolerant, free of love and compassion, which hurt his feelings. And, of course, I did not want to hurt his feelings; even after everything; it is like Thich Nhat Hanh said, do not kill the terrorist, kill the terrorism, for the terrorist is such because of his suffering. And I feel this. But, I am glad that it happened, because it made me realize that there is something I can do.

04/23/10 - 10:30am]
I meant what I said the other day, but I do wish that something could have become of Angelo and I.

04/22/10 - 8:10am]
A couple of things have been on my mind, so i wanted to put "pen to paper".

It's so beautiful to be outside, and see the beauty that God has created and is in the process of creating. It really is a gift, living, breathing art, that we get to enjoy every moment for our lives. Every day, I am reminded of God's love for me; even if He is silent, He is everywhere, all around me, close as breath. I see Him in the trees and birds, who are my brothers and sisters, in my cats; my closest family - an incredible blessing and living proof of God's amazing love for me, every day, never mind that I simply get to wake up each morning, or the fact that when I forget He tells me. This sangha, is my proof, and my boat on the ocean of life.

I've also been thinking, that perhaps certain events, experiences, people, in my life were only steps on the path. For example, the meditation centre was one (huge) step on the path. Perhaps Angelo was just another step, and maybe I will never cultivate a long-term relationship with him. Perhaps, my college boyfriend, the human love of my life thus far; perhaps he and I becoming friends again, was only another step on the path and not meant to last either. If that is the case, I accept it gratefully and graciously for what it is.

I got an internship in British Columbia maintaining the husbandry of wild baby animals (and it does not have a deisgnated end date). That is where I assumed I was going to want to move to when I was ready to finally move out, so it's good!  
You know, 'in the old days', families did not move relatively far away from eachother. And, that is a nice thought, and if mine were like a (true) sangha, perhaps I would not, either. But, a lifetime of abuse and violence has led me to this path. And a love of the west coast has led that to be my destination home. (At least for now, as far as I know - who knows what God has planned for me).
Thich Nhat Hanh says that we need to help alleviate our families from their suffering, that that is the only way to be truly happy. I have approached them in the past, even recent past, and tried to enlighten them to their way of being and how it creates suffering, with love and compassion and have recieved only violence and abuse in return. And, I also need to think of my own well-being. Yet, now that I have (been made to) accept(ed) that they will never change, I approach them with only tolerance - but that is not my goal! I know that I need to approach them with more than just tolerance. Thich Nhat Hanh made a comment that made me realize I was not being truly loving and compassionate in my approach; if you are discriminating against another, you are not truly being loving and compassionate, to them and their sankara. That is my goal. And I must determinedly put it into practice. For the good of all. 

You know, I know who I am because I know my heart and soul, who God created me to be, who my (true) family loves; but sometimes, the family I am made to live with makes it hard.
Yet, it is a choice. To accept their gift of sankara, or choose the true path. 
I will always choose love. God.
I will never again allow someone else('s sankara) to define who I am.
Man, it just shows how much I deviated from who I am - I never would have let that happen in the past. I am too stubborn/rebellious to be put in a box by someone else. But...an entire lifetime of abuse...you know, it's not even that, it was just that life kept sending me blow after blow, and after awhile, it just becomes so much, ya know? And it made me question whether I was a good person or not, and that, is something I just cannot live with; my moral compass is too strong to live with the notion that I am not being all that I can be, doing all the good or spreading all the love that I can.
I am glad now that I am getting back on my feet; that meditation centre was...exactly what I needed. And, helped dust the dirt off the window of my soul, and pull the veil away from my eyes - expressed in one idea - the Buddhist concept of the inner mirror - the dirtier the window became with dirt from the outside, the more obscured my 'right view', the more ego was allowed to reign and the battle take place.
But I, truth, love, God, has come out with the victory. Because, we are all one. :)

The River (Missy Higgins) [
04/19/10 - 8:26am]
Sometimes I forget about the family that God blessed me with, because of the one that I must endure. I am so gifted. I look at the pictures on my wall and see it. I look around me and I see it. Sometimes they make my life so difficult I forget. They bring out the worst in me. Like this weekend. I had to fight to maintain the equanimity I learned, to be loving and compassionate to the abuser, which I was taught to do, which is what I want, (I don't ever want to be unloving or uncompassionate, but, that was already detailed in my last entry), but they also make me anxious about my life, my future, but I think that is because I want to get away from them. I have faith in god, and thus in my future.
Anyways, I'm so sorry for them making me forget. To my (true) family, to God, to myself. I think I just need to accept them and let them go once and for all, and embrace life, love - truth, that surrounds me <3

04/19/10 - 3:28am]
My brother surprised me, but I shouldn't have been. He is the only one that has cultivated character and integrity over the years. But the rest of them have not. They have reamined bullies, abusers, offering their gift of sankara, with no attempt to change, even when confronted with their abuse; which of course, they become thus more abusive in their defense.
I accepted this, the way they are, choose to be, and that they will never change, be what a family is supposed to be, before I left.
While I was away, it was a beautiful respite, and I forgot, almost like it was simply a dream. But, confronted with (the reality of) it again, I have to accept it once again.
I can't choose or change their choices, but I can choose not to accept their gift, not to let it ruin me.

04/18/10 - 5:12am]
I've been struggling with equanimity since I've been home. Today was hard, frusterating. But, also a learning experience, and any opportunity to learn and evolve is good. But still. My brother surprised me today; it affected him and he was the only one who supported me. Sorry that I doubted you, but I am grateful. I know that I got a little less my self when I was accosted by my family, by my sister, in the situation, and I am sorry, truly, I am, but, I reacted a (bit) better than I have in the past, and I am glad for that. Love you, God.

04/18/10 - 4:09am]
So, I had my interview for an internship with a wildlife rehab centre down South today, and it went really well. Unfortunately, the internship would be for six months. I went into my kitchen to tell my mom about it, and my sister acted in her true nature upon hearing it, as she accosted me over it.
The thing is, I am supposed to be the photographer for my brother's wedding and thus, wouldn't be able to be there to do so if I got this internship. I understand the situation, and it is quite the pickle, but my family has no support or respect for me, and evidence of it resurfaced when this situation arose. I know it's terrible and ultimately really selfish of me to forsake my commitment to want to take this internship. What is a girl to do? I would never intentionally harm someone, and if there is any way to walk away from this making everyone happy, the happier I would be.
My family has never treated me with respect, love, or compassion and I have always tried to be the bigger, better person my entire life. Why do I always have to give of myself to a family that has never been there for me? Never been a real family to me?
Sometimes, I wish I didn't have this family, and...I hope one day to be free of them.

04/17/10 - 8:45am]
Instead of seeing mistakes as crushing blows, I now see them as opportunities; to learn, evolve. It's nice to learn - to evolve, for the benefit of self and of the world as a whole. The more you evolve, the more you can love, and the more you can love, the more you can help.

04/15/10 - 8:07am]
Thich Nhat Hanh says that understanding and compassion are the foundations of right action.
I was taught to believe something my entire life. I didn't know any different. This was what I was always taught.
I'm not sure if I always knew it was wrong, or if as I grew older, I became more mindful, wiser, and thus, the understanding in my heart that it was wrong, grew. As a result, so did my suffering at this action; each time this action was performed. Before I left for the Vipassna meditation centre, this specific battle erupted.
When I left, I forgot all about it.
When I came back, it happened again, almost conditionally instinctually; simply out of habit - and I realized that it was no longer just that, I remembered the suffering it caused and the adversity that I had grown to it before; it was that it was no longer a part of me, my system, my very being. 
I have changed. Simple as that.
I feel as though...it as if there were poison(s) within me before, and now...they are flowing out of me - perhaps slowly, but the point is that they are.
And their absence is being filled with even more love and compassion, which I hope to continue to cultivate and spread like the sun onto all others.

03/31/10 - 11:06am]

That concert the other night was...amazing. Aside from the guy sitch; I mean, that was nothing - it was God that I was there for, and it was God that was there with me. Man, it felt soooooo good! So good to be there with Him, for Him - I'm (just) sorry that I let the guy sitch into the night, but, I am so glad for that night, for God. It really was wonderful. I feel Him here with me again - more than I have for a long time - I think He knew that this path would lead me back to Him. I felt totally guided down this path! It has been so long since I have felt Him and feeling guided like this in so long! I mean, He didn't go anywhere - I did. And He brought me back - is bringing me back. Hallelujah. Serious. I love You, God. Now, I know what Rumi felt like. I mean, I did before, understand, but I feel like I'm falling in love all over again, seeing all over again, being made new - the dust and the chains are going, I am breaking free - like a butterfly from her cocoon. Love you my beloved Jesus Christ, my beloved God!

And, as for the guy sitch, I am not going to date, for now, I meant what I said, but in honor of God, I am not going to totally turn away for good, forever. But, I feel better about the whole thing. The palpable weight of loneliness has lifted, or is being lifted - very freeing. Just another thing God has done for me, brought peace to my soul. I need/want to focus on my relationship with us - me and God. We are a team...man, it feels so good to be here again. I forgot how lovely our relationship is. Like, how could I?! I'm so sorry.
That is the most important thing. Us. Us...You and me :) We are a team, and a great one! :) Ugh, I love you!

On the dating thing, I trust God completely....

I know someday that it'll all  turn out.
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life
I just haven't met you yet.

<3 Jesus Christ, my God, beloved.

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